Just tell them she has gone out on the roof!

There was a movie made in the 1970's called Capricorn One, from which my family got the saying "she/he/it/they have gone out on the roof". Basically this is a euphemism for "someone has died". 

Thanks BusterMerrfield
The premise of the saying is that a man's cat dies, but his brother
 doesn't inform him in a very sensitive way, leading the first man
 to suggest a better dialogue for breaking bad news. 

Unfortunately youtube/blogger won't allow me to embed the clip of this episode where the story gets told, but if you follow this link you can watch it in all its glory!! (You can also read the transcript of the scene at the end of this post!)


Growing up it wasn't uncommon for me to overhear adults talking about one relative or another going out on the roof, and it was no secret to us kids that it meant they had died. My family never intended to be insensitive about someone we loved passing on, they just felt it was best to have a healthily positive approach to this unavoidable aspect of...well...life. I don't remember the first time I was exposed to death, but I remember the first funeral I went to at which I truly understood what was happening. I was about 6 years old and I remember some details, such as the outfit I was wearing, with great clarity, but I don't remember being told that my great aunt had died, although someone must have sat me down and explained it. 


Having grown up in a household that had an open approach to discussing death with and around children, I find it difficult to remember a time that I didn't understand that people and animals die. When I hear stories about kids who were told that their beloved pet "went to the farm" I feel sorry for them. It must have been upsetting and confusing to think of their pet living in a new home with a new family, and I know that for me part of what eases the sadness of death is that I know what has happened to them. 


As they say: Scientia potestas est ie. Knowledge is power. Or in my case, comfort! 


Of course, just because a child understands death doesn't mean they are always okay with it. I was very sad at that first memorable funeral. And I still have a vivid memory of fleeing from the kitchen tv when Bambi's mother is killed to fling myself on my parents bed in tears. 


So back to the question of when is an appropriate time to explain death to children? I don't think that there is a right or wrong answer to this. Every child is different, every family is different, every situation is different. Go figure!! Also, I think that children (at least in North America) are exposed to death at a pretty young age by a lot of different channels than their parents may think. 


For example, most of our cherished Disney movies contain references or scenes of death at one point or another (much to the 5 year old Meredith's devastation)...

Thanks Forces of Geek
There is no hiding the fact that Gaston suffers a brutal death
from a big fall. Or that we are supposed to be happy about it...

Thanks The Hunchblog of Notre Dame
Not even the good characters are always safe :(

Thanks The Lion KinG
There is no attempt to hide the fact that Simba's father is dead
in this iconic scene. 

In fact, if you start looking for it, it is easy to see blatant themes of death in many aspects of stories which are told to children at fairly young ages: almost every Disney movie ever made, the beloved holiday of Halloween, Easter which celebrates the death of Jesus, any ghost story ever, the seemingly innocent tale of the Gingerbread Man, even the beloved children's classic The Little Prince!! Not to mention the original Fairy Tales of the Brothers' Grimm.

Thanks My//Your//Our (MYOUR) Sadhana
The first time I read this I cried like a baby at the end!

There is an interesting article in British paper The Telegraph which addresses the reasons behind some parents choosing not to read their children certain stories. Even Goldilocks and the Three Bears makes the list!


As one of my classmates (Jaylene Horvath) pointed out in her blog, our society seems to have a consuming fascination with death and dying in our entertainment, yet it remains a taboo subject in many ways. I wonder if this is perhaps due to the fact that modern medicine has made it so that death affects the elderly, and the death of younger individuals is mostly either due to diseases to which there is not a completely effective cure, or to tragic accidents. I wonder if we attempt to emotionally anesthetize ourselves so as not to suffer through the pain of losing a loved one in a similar way that people in countries with hight infant mortality rates hold off on considering their children "people" until they have survived a certain amount of time? I'm not quite sure what I am trying to say here, but I feel that maybe the pain of loss, and the fear of facing one's own mortality perhaps drives people to ignore death as much as possible? I know for myself that this approach wouldn't work, but maybe that is only because of the particular environment in which I was raised. 


Unfortunately dear Readers, despite pontificating on this subject for the last 900 or so words, I am no closer to having a concrete idea of when is an appropriate age or way to discuss death with children. All I can suggest is that when the time comes, you keep in mind what euphemisms you use may be misunderstood from time to time....


For example, in the car on the way home from elementary school one afternoon, my Mom casually informed my brothers and I that one of our black labs, Chester, had gone out on the roof. A stricken silence fell over us and we sat there as she continued to explain: "Grandma must have left her window open a little wide, and he just squeezed himself out and onto the roof. The neighbours came over to tell us and we all watched as he leapt from the roof and landed in the bush growing next to the house." "Oh my God, that's awful!" I exclaimed, "poor Chester! Dermot (my Uncle who's dog Chester was) must be devastated" Much to my shock my Mom replied that he actually found the whole thing rather funny, and that Chester seemed shaken but was overall fine. I still remember sitting there and incredulously asking "if he is still alive, why did you tell us he had gone out on the roof!??" 

Thank you Metal Rat!! <3 you!

Here is the transcript of the scene which gave my family this amusing saying! Thank you http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/ Capricorn_One :)

"There’s this guy, see. He takes a trip to Europe. It’s his first vacation in a long time. Sees the sights, you know? He has a real good time. Anyway, after a while he decides to call home. He gets his brother on the phone, and the guy says to his brother, “How’s everything at home?” And his brother says, “Your…your cat died.” And the guy says to his brother, “You shouldn’t tell me bad news like that. You should…break it to me gently. You know…like…you should say something like…’The cat...crawled out on the roof...and...chasing squirrels…and…got stuck. We had to call the fire department…and when they finally got there…the fireman crawled up, he grabbed the cat, but on the way down he slipped and the cat…fell to the ground. And, they had to take the cat to the vet. They…tried to save the cat…even operated...on the cat. But it was too late. The - they couldn’t…save the cat’. That’s how you should break…bad news like that.” So the guy says to his brother…….“How’s Mom?” And the brother says…….”She’s on the roof.” Get it? She’s on the roof. [Laughing, sobbing] She’s on the roof. Get it?"